But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
