Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
