I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
