Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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