Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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