Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
