Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
