I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
