I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
