There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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