Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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