The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
