Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
