My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
