i barfeds in our rink
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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