I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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