I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
