I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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