Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
