my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
accomplished twins. life is a go
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
