We won't sleep together?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize