if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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