I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
