I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
