I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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