I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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