Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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