i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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