I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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