god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize