Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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