I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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