When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
3 2 1 whiskey
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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