She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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