Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
