Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
