Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
