we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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