In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
