I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
