Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
