I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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