You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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