Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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