im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
