the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
