I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My ass is underappreciated
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
