3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
