loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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