If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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