I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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