my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
