I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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