it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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