I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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