im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
