Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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