You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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