Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize