Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
