I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
