every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
