his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
